I suspect this will not be shared with anyone so I will be candid and say “I Am Getting Back”. I am back from the very heartbreaking rejection of my lengthy marriage. I know it was not the best match but I really wanted it to work and will always love the man. I was very lonely in my relationship as I suspect he was also. I was very frustrated in my relationship as I suspect he was also. I was trying hard to find more connections between us and it must have been torture for him as he found a convenient, well planned and cruel way to toss me out of his world. It was never “our world”.
I have learned a lot since he dumped me. One of the most important things was, as I have stated above, it was a crappy relationship. I thought it was fun and fun-loving but after learning with reading and self-discovery he was not a person who would let me on his “team”. All my needs were just things to get out of his way. He only has one team and he is the only member and all of life is a game to win, it seems, at any cost.
I wish I was still in a complete family “tribe” but I am not. Never being all together again was one of the hardest losses of breaking up for me. Now I realize that is something a lot of people have lost. A lot of people don’t want that magnetic pulling responsibility to be “with family”. Some have lost so much of their family to death or addictions that what I had imagined as normal is far from the measurable normal in my culture these days.
Meanwhile – back at “Getting Back” – I am finding such peace in my new life. I am turning into a happy hermit with many little tasks that bring me joy. Making bread, painting a bit, walking the dog, helping others, taking care of plants, keeping a little cabin comfy and exploring the wilds.
One thing that is back is my health. I feel strong again and am enjoying my preferred diet which has been a bit hard to settle into. Unlearning the meat-based meals for another’s preferences took a while but I am singling into it now. Very little meat – a lot less food and a lot more vodka! Also – I am out of the cycle of visiting the doctor for everything. It was for attention and self-care but I realize now that it was also because I felt sick most of the time later in my marriage. Constant rejection just made me feel sick. That sensation of someone being angry with me, asking to talk about it and him always just saying that “everything is fine” when it was actually far from fine made me feel sick. The attempt to deny my intuition and to try to stop trusting the sensations that “felt” were real was making me feel sick. So – that is why I am back. I have feelings and thoughts that I trust again. I am not being told to deny myself those strengths by an emotionally crippled person I want desperately to love and share the rest of life with. It is not an easy cage to describe but the lock is gone now and I am free to explore and trust my own path.
I am back near the ocean again. This is where I belong. I find it interesting that the desire to travel has pretty much just faded away while I sing to myself each day that it is beautiful here. I do not have the urgent squabble in my gut about needing to be somewhere else or “get out of town”. It is perfect!
I am back where I belong.
I am back with myself.
zenflirt 